you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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