I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
