Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
