good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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