Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
