i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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