I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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