I met the friendliest cop last night
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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