The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
