I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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