i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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