My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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