i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
