Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
