Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
