I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
