Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
