he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
