No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
