i think i have two assholes
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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