4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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