I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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