Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
