Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
