Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
