It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what day is it and did you see me today?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
