ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i think my cat just said my name.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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