I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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