I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
