The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
