: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
