i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
