i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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