Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
