hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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