I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
