Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
