Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
