I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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