did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
