Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
