I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
