why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
