Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
