no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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