My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
