my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
