he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
