Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
