Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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