right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
