yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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